Diver’s Tales

On this page we would like to share some stories from Clydebank Sub Aqua Club’s past. They are all true-more or less. We hope they will give you a laugh! Come On Clydebank members-relive those embarrassing moments!

 New Tales added to the bottom. Please Scroll Down

Trouble with Air

A well known Clydebank Sub Aqua Club Diver, the late Jimmy Duff, once jumped in to the water and went straight under. A few moments later he bobbed up again, complaining that he could not get air from his Demand Valve. No wonder, as he still had his pipe in his mouth. Everyone fell about but Jimmy, not to be outdone, sucked hard on his pipe. Lo and behold – it was still lit and he finished his pipe before he went in the water again.

Shallow Water Diver

Many years ago another well known Clydebank Sub Aqua Club diver was diving from a pontoon, in Gairloch (I believe) with a group of divers. The side of the pontoon they were all kitting up on was very crowded. So he decided to kit up on the un-crowded side. Lots of by-standers had gathered, as in those days divers were not a familiar site. Anyway, when the divers were ready, they all jumped in the water, including our hero from his solitary side of the pontoon. The other divers landed with a splash in deep water. Our hero landed in 2 feet of water and nearly broke his ankles. To hide his embarrassment he crouched down in the water and tried to discretely head for deeper water without ALL the by-standers noticing!!!

Faut pas ! of the worst kind

Many, many, many years ago, Clydebank Sub Aqua Club was having its Annual Christmas Dinner/Dance. Everyone came along with Spouses, Girlfriend & Boyfriends. Arthur & a friend sat at my table, along with several other friends from the Branch including Xxxxx. This friend, Xxxxx, said to Arthur- “Well Arthur, are you going to introduce us all to your mother?” I kicked Xxxxx under the table and unfortunately gave him a bruised ankle. The reason!? The lady was not Arthur’s mother, she was his Fiancée. Oops! He never spoke to Xxxxx again. I wonder why?

Lobster/Crayfish King

Leo Fisher was another Clydebank character. He was always filthy with his vehicle engine oil and wore a stubby cigar in his mouth-permanently. Anyway, Leo had a reputation for rescueing Lobsters & Crayfish from the sea. He almost never came out of the water without rescuing something for his supper. On one occassion we met up with a Diving Club from North Warwickshire. In return for taking Leo, Len Owen & myself out to dive from their boat, Leo would show them a good Lobster/Crayfish area. True to his word, Leo DID find a typically good area near Oban, but nobody, not even Leo, caught anything during the dive. On the way back through the Sound of Kerrara, Leo suddenly remembered that he had promised a friend a lobster. Leo looked around the Sound and pointed. He said, "Can you drop me over there, I'll be back in 5 minutes". The North Warwicks boys eye'd each other and thought, "Oh yeh". Leo dropped in to the water with 40bar left in his tank and sure enough, 5 minutes later surfaced with a good sized lobster in need of a cooking pot. Were the other divers peeved?, Does night follow day? You bet!
The photo shows Leo, wearing his trusty ABLJ, in the company of 2 friends from the sea.

(Please Note:- The SSAC no longer condones rescueing crustacea. Please photograph them instead!)

Big Catch !

This is a very un-PC story, but the late Eddie Docherty, a real Clydebank character, was once diving at the Caves, Loch Long. He met 3 fishermen at the waterside. They asked if he was going in the water. Eddie replied that he was. The fishermen said that he should watch out as they had been trying to catch a 6 foot Conger Eel. So in the water Eddie went with his harpoon gun (not allowed now!).

Half an hour later he surfaced next to the fishermen and asked, “Have you got that Conger yet?” They replied, ”No!”  With a big smile, Eddie raised out of the water, the Conger on his harpoon. He said “Is this it?” The fishermen scattered in all directions, but came back when Eddie offered it to them. Away they went home, the proud “catchers” of a giant Conger Eel.

Trouble at Sea

In September 1982, a small group of Clydebank members joined a group from Dumfries & Galloway Branch for a holiday on the Scilly Isles. One day we went out on a “Day” boat and to make up a full compliment we were joined by 4 divers from Chelsea Sub Aqua Club. At the end of our dives, one of the Chelsea girls was having trouble getting her wetsuit trousers off. They were stuck at her hips. So, one of the Dumfries lads, being a respectable, honourable, gentle, kind-hearted gentleman, offered to help. She happily accepted, sat on a chair, and placed her feet on his knee. He gripped her wetsuit trousers firmly at her hips and pulled. As quick as a flash, down came her wetsuit trousers AND her bikini pants. Amazingly, he was more embarrassed than she was, she giggled and WE didn’t know where to look! J

Bad hair day

In the ‘70’s, Clydebank Sub Aqua Club used to hire the Recreation Room at Ardgarten Caravan Site on Loch Long, for the winter. One Sunday, Perth Sub Aqua Club joined us as our guests. At the end of the diving activities, one of the Perth lads, Phil Rogers, was dancing around the room in full wetsuit-hood, jacket, trousers & boots, but something was odd about him. The Perth lads were in hysterics, and laughter being infectious, we started laughing, but we didn't really know why we were laughing. Then, suddenly, it dawned on us. Phil’s hair was on the OUTSIDE of his wetsuit hood!

Foul Air

Not really a Clydebank story but in the ‘80’s I was an SSAC Regional Coach and a member, for a time, at Allander (only up the road from Clydebank so it counts). One day, Brian commented that his air tasted quite foul during the dive. Everyone else had good air from the same Compressor. Very odd, but to shorten the story, the next week-same again. Someone suggested a long shot – dismantle the 2^nd stage to see if something was caught inside. Guess what!?-we found a dead Butterfish! Yuck!!

Lazy Clydebank Diver

I don’t know. Some people won’t walk anywhere! Tut-tut!

The real story is that the SSAC Training Schedule requires a jump entry from a height of at least 1 metre. This Trainee was really keen to complete his Sports Diver Award, so this was the only way we could help him. He wasn’t supposed to go in head first. The water was only 2 metres deep. George, in the Red Anorak (our caring Diving Officer at the time) nearly had kittens.

A Fyne Story

Iain Kennedy tells this story which happened to a Clydebank Diver in March 2007 at the Anchor Spot, Loch Fyne. The diver wishes to remain anonymous, so we will just call him Alan Pollock. Iain continues:

After making his way up the slope, Alan, sorry, the anonymous diver, loosened the straps on his BCD jacket and then slung it onto the boot lid of his old Rover. At least that was the plan. Perhaps it was the dive or maybe the climb up the slope at the end, but whatever the reason his aim was slightly off and, with a gentle pop followed by a tinkling noise, big Al's (sorry, the anonymous diver's) cylinder and jacket ensemble was dumped onto the parcel shelf via the rear windscreen.

I was expecting something a bit more energetic, because his exclamation of "Oh dear" just didn't adequately sum up the drama of the occasion.

At least he didn't scratch his bumper, which was lying on the back seat at the time!

Revenge

Alan Hubbard recalls the following: Around 1970, not long after Single Hose Demand Valves had been invented, I was diving off Tarbert, Loch Fyne with the late John Ogilvie. I had a net bag with a few Scallops inside and had just picked up a reasonable sized crab. (I know it is frowned upon now!). We continued with the dive when suddenly I could not get any air. I signalled to John, who in turn quickly showed me the problem. The crab had reached through the net bag with one of its claws and clamped it firmly round my air line. It took a bit of effort to release the claw whilst avoiding the other one. I suppose the crab was only trying to get its own back.

Fright

Keith Waugh writes: I was diving with Stuart McInnes and Alan Hubbard on the wreck of Christine Rose, an armed Trawler, at Cnap Point at the entrance of Loch Sween. Now we knew that there were live, corroded munitions lying around the wreck but nevertheless, Stuart was bashing the hell out of a piece of non-ferrous metal i.e. Brass, in an effort to “rescue” it from the wreck. I was watching them both working and thought it made a good photographic composition so I took a photograph. When the Flashgun fired, both Stuart and Alan nearly leapt out of their Dry-suits with fright. They obviously thought that with all their banging and thumping, that they had set off a shell (the kind that go bang!).  When they had recovered, they looked round to see me nearly drown with underwater laughter.

Pixie ears

Then there was the story about a Clydebank diver whose wetsuit hood was too tight and he felt that water wasn't getting in to his hood and around his ears - either his hood was too small, or his head too big! Either way another helpful member suggested putting on his hood, marking exactly where his ears were, removing the hood and making small holes in the neoprene to line up with his ears. "That's a good idea!" exclaimed our hero. So he did it. Next time he was seen at a dive site, our hero put on his hood ready to dive. He had cut holes in his hood to enable the whole of each ear to poke through - about 6cms each in diameter. He looked like a Pixie with his white ears sticking out of a black hood. Everyone was in tears of laughter.

A very strong grip

In the days of Twin Hose Demand Valves I was giving a trainee a "check-out" of all he had learned in the pool. It was a final Skills safety check before he progressed to the sea. During this pool "check-out" dive I decided, without prior warning, to pull his Demand Valve Mouthpiece out of his mouth to test his reaction. It certainly took the trainee by surprise as not only did his mouthpiece come out but also his upper and lower teeth. And what's more, they were still clamped around the mouthpiece. Needless to say, I was in hysterics but the trainee just calmly grabbed his teeth, replaced them in his mouth, then grabbed his Demand Valve Mouthpiece, cleared it and placed it back in his mouth. Brilliant! He passed the test!

A different approach

At the risk of causing marital strife, Michelle Morgan has “told” on her husband, John. He is well known for his calm and relaxed approach to dive preparation, i.e. he is always last in to the water. However, on a dive in March 2008 he was determined NOT to be last this time. He quickly prepared his gear, donned his Drysuit and other gear, lifted his BCD/Cylinder rig on to his back and then down to the water at “The Bistro”, Crarae on Loch Fyne. He quickly waded in to the water to shoulder depth and promptly quickly waded out again! He was very wet-inside his Drysuit. Guess who forgot to close his Drysuit zipper?

Clydebank Curry Nights. During the 70’s, a group of Clydebank members used to drive in to Glasgow after the Wednesday Pool sessions for a late night Curry. Well, we were all young and stupid in those days. Leo, the Crayfish King was the regular organiser. One evening we were nearly finished our meal when Leo found a match in his curry, and what’s more, it was a spent match. He called the waiter, who was appalled. The waiter called the Chef. He was also appalled ……….because ALL the staff used Lighters!!??

Anyway, they were most apologetic and offered Leo a fresh curry. Needless to say he took a “rain-check” on it as he was already stuffed to the gills. Can you match that!